I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
