Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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