I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
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