i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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