I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
