Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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