I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
