Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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