Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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