david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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