Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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