you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
