woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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