A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize