he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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