So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
