I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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