idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
