My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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