I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
