She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
