FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
