I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
