I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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