We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
