Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
