just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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