M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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