Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize