It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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