So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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