i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
