Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
If I die, sorry about rent.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
