Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
