M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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