Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize