he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize