Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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