You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
