Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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