I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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