Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
