You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
