Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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