I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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