god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
