so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
