Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
