I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
