bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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