how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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