just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
