Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
