You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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