I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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