so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
