even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
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