if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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