Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
