my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
