So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We have started to decorate penises.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
